Waste of Skin Award

Three weeks ago I ate some hamburgers at my pension that I realized, a little too late, were not fully cooked. Crap. Literally. Since then I have been having stomache problems that don't want to go away. I had some really bad stomache problems this morning and finally decided to go to the hospital. My insurance company pays for everything so I decided to go to the best hospital in town - the German Clinic. I have come to put confidence in most things that have German in the title (chocolate, female soccer teams, vicious dictators etc.). As my adventure begins I would like to remark that my stomache problems have been persistent for the past three weeks regardless of me trying to avoid eating harmful things.

I went to the emergency room this morning and stood in line with all the people who have swine flu. "Great", I thought, "I am going to go home with something worse than what I had in the first place." The girls at the desk were incapable, to put it lightly, and inspired little confidence. My suspicions about the worthless secretaries were confirmed when the nurse came to the door and called out for Martin (that is my middle name). Later on, somebody called for me and again they yelled "Martin!". At least they are persistently wrong.

The Doctor was my favorite part of the visit and the winner of the prestigious "waste of skin" award. He walked into the room and his first words were "what is the problem?" at which point I began describing my stomache issues. He then began examining/pushing my stomache and ordered some tests. The lengthiest interaction I had with him was the part where he asked me what the problem was. He literally did almost nothing. He came back with my blood tests and said I had no infection and told me to see a gastroenterologist, in as many words. At no point did he introduce himself or show me results or information. He did not explain anything. He did not even try to smile or treat me with respect. He also committed a deadly sin by speaking to me very slowly, as though I needed to look every word up in the dictionary while he spoke. That visit cost my insurance company $120.00. I payed $120.00 to find out only that I had no infection and to be treated like a convicted criminal who is feigning sickness to get out of the slammer. I should have just walked down to the corner and handed the money to the bumb on the corner. At least he smiles when you walk by and that much money would have made him smile even bigger.

The results of the test were various aspects of my blood levels. Because that is part of my major I was able to read the results and find out for myself what was going on. In other words, that Dr. could be sold into slavery and nobody would miss him. Also, I could do his job for half what he gets payed with no problems. I could even use the money I got from selling him into slavery to pay of my school loans. I think my path is clear:

1) Does anybody you know have connections in the slave trade?
2) Do you know a good gastroenterologist in Temuco, Chile?