Holy Crap!

In my dresser, in the fourth drawer down, I have a pair of pants I reserve for special occasions - my sassy pants. I used them just last Monday when a kid who used to live at our house walked in, opened my cupboard and took some of my baking supplies. In the next drawer down, under everything else (I don't wear them often) are my more special *Insert string of expletives* pants. On Friday, I got them out, dusted them off, and took 'em for a ride to Doctor Smith's office.

I expected him to tell me the injury I sustained playing ultimate frisbee was nothing, or maybe that we would have to do some scans to check for cartilage damage. After 50 minutes of waiting I went and asked the lovely young lady why I was still waiting for the right honorable doctor. She said she didn't know. Luckily, the doctor chose that crucial moment to appear.

The doctor began by telling me I have an Osteochondrital dissecans, or a piece of my knee had chipped off. He told me that I'd have to wear a 26" cast on my leg for the next six weeks and walk around exclusively on crutches. He then picked up the phone and recorded his notes from the visit while the nurse told me to lift my leg so she could attach the brace/cast. Within 10 minutes of walking in, I was crutch-ing out of there in a complete daze. I could have been standing in the Himalayas with a beer in my hand, naked with my head shaved and I probably wouldn't have realized it. But, in his defense, the doctor had places to go.

In his hurry, he forgot to give me a handicapped parking permit form. So, for the last 4 days I've had to park at the bottom of the hill leading up to campus and then begin a 10 minute crutch-assisted walk up the hill and stairs to get to class/work/take tests etc. After walking up the hill and checking out my gigantic blisters, I wanted to punch that doctor in the face repeatedly then give him a handicapped parking permit.

That doctor and I are going to have a level 5 Come to Jesus Meeting next time we chat. Or maybe I'll just shave his head and leave him naked in the Himalayas...with a non-alcoholic beer in his hand. I bet that will open up his schedule quite a bit.

TMFW: Dentures

I do this thing almost every night where I go in to talk with my roommate before he goes to bed. We talk about girls, work, classes, church - but never the weather. Sometimes all of us just sit and watch YouTube videos. Inevitably I end up laying down in my bed as we continue the conversation. This is where I slowly start to drift off.

Then I have to remind myself that I haven't brushed my teeth yet. Let the inner battle rage. In my semi-asleep state it seems like a reasonable option to simply drift off without polishing my pearly-whites. On the other hand, even in my semi-asleep state I know that dentures are a tragedy.

All you have to do is mention the word dentures and I'll get up and brush my teeth. In fact, I'll probably floss and rinse with Listerine to be safe. I just wanted to let you know in advance... my teeth are counting on you.

Accidental Expert

I spend a lot of time on the phone for my job. It's not my favorite part of the job description. On the other hand, it isn't my least favorite part either. My least favorite part: "Please continue to hold for the next available representative. Your call is important to us." Then cue the awful music they've selected.

However, not all hold music was created equal. Some companies have audio books playing, others (BYU) have nice classical music, still others apply the tried and true cheap jazz music. I'm going to take this opportunity to give out the awards for best and worst.

BEST: Today I called a company (Newegg) and their hold "music" was the sound of rainfall and thunder. I grew up falling asleep to that sound. I might call them back next time I'm stressed.

WORST: Xerox LLC has become the reason I have a blacklist. They play the same pointless 25 second segment of uninspiring music over and over again interrupted only by a woman telling you why Xerox is the best. They aren't the best. They are the worst. That makes them liars and horrible selectors of music.

I didn't mean to become an expert on hold music. It just happened. I don't think that's a skill I can put on a resume.

Fun Fact

The phrase "Don't Mess With Texas!" was coined in the 1980's as part of a project to reduce highway litter. It has nothing to do with the Alamo, Sam Houston, or anything else that's remotely cool. It was to stop Texans from throwing their beer cans out the window.

Since we're on the topic, Texas is not the best state in the union. Not even close. Let me name some reasons it falls short:

1) Bigger isn't always better. Ex: Fezik was defeated by The Dread Pirate Roberts.
2) Football is a hobby, not the substance of life.
3) Your flag looks almost identical to a country. Chile had the flag first. Be creative.
4) Texas is neither the biggest (AK), the most populous (CA), or even the prettiest (debatable).
5) Your highest point is a place you can take senior citizens on a day hike.
6) You didn't invent barbeque, contrary to popular Texas opinion.

Having said that, I wish Texas the very best in their quest to reduce highway litter.

How many vicious kittens could you take?

Today I went kayaking in the Great Salt Lake. One less thing on my bucket list...but that's not the point of this post. Kittens are the point of this post - and not for the reasons you'd think.

As we were loading our kayaks into the water we noticed thousands of large black spiders in the grass beside the dock. They were the sort of spiders that trap and eat dragon flies. They were the big kind. One of my friends is terrified of spiders. To make the situation lighter I said a thousand of just about anything staring at me would be rather creepy. I said that even a couple thousand kittens quietly, and intensely staring at me would be thoroughly terrifying.

The conversation naturally shifted to how many vicious kittens we each thought we could take. Then we asked ourselves what the most efficient kitten-killer would be. The winner: flamethrower. So, the next time you are attacked by a couple thousand vicious kittens I hope you have a flamethrower handy. Kitten attacks can be ugly. At least, that's what I've heard.

Dear Audience...whoever you are...

This is for the guy who found my blog by searching for the phrase "Captain planet T-shirt". This is for my friend's aunt who thinks my blog is awesome. This is also for my Mom, who until recently didn't know why I named my blog as I did. This is for my cubscout leader from when I was a kid. And This is for "Anonymous", whoever you are. Some explanation:

Throughout my life I've experienced the familiar dramatic changes that occur in the first 20 or so years of one's life. However, one thing has always been constant: my blue shirt. Since I can remember my favorite shirt has always been blue, different shades and different shirts, but always blue. My two all-time favorites have been navy blue and royal blue. The point is, one of the simple things that remains constant in my life no matter where I am and who I'm with is my blue shirt. Maybe it makes me feel at home when I open my drawer and can put on my blue shirt on that first day of a crazy semester in a new house. Or maybe it just reminds me of who I am and where I come from. In any case, that's how my blog got it's name.

I started my blog when I went to Chile to do an internship at the national laboratory working on a genetics project with huge opportunities and applications. I was more than a little nervous and so excited I literally couldn't sit still. I wanted to be able to let the people I love know what was going on during my trip, so I started the blog. For the record, one of the other things that has been constant in my life is my family, and I needed for them to share in my experience. I started this blog for them, but it's a little more now.

So, whatever you're reason for reading and whatever the search phrase you used, now you know.

THIS is why being single sucks

Look at the following scenarios and try to answer honestly. Note: Any resemblance of this post to actual people and real circumstances is...purely coincidental.

1) Your roommate asks you to help him cook for a bunch of people that are coming over for a football party (NOT your party), then asks you a couple days later when you're going to clean up your dishes. What color does your face turn?

2) Your roommate opens a can of chili for dinner and decides he doesn't actually want it. He leaves it there, opened and untouched, for over two days. You go into the kitchen several days after to clean up and find this sitting on the counter. If your anger were a shape (rocket launcher, battle axe, grenade, light saber), what would it be?


3) In desperation you stop cleaning the house so maybe your roommates will start cleaning - at least sometimes. Your house subsequently starts to smell like a bacterial science laboratory and they still don't budge. At this point, how would you characterize your mood?

4) You make a delicious dinner and ask your roommate (not your favorite but you're trying to be nice) if he wants some. He responds by dishing up a huge portion then taking four bites and leaving the rest for the flies. Which blunt object comes to mind first?

5) You've been telling your roommate for a couple weeks now about a girl you want to ask out. Just after going on your first date with her, he asks her out. You only find out because the girl sees both of you and laughs at the coincidence that you are roommates. Yes...what a coincidence. What action do you take as soon as she walks away?

Depending on your answers, you may want to consider not being single.